Marriage counseling cross-culturally
(We originally wrote this article for the Baptist General Conference magazine, BGC World.)
A young couple sits uncomfortably in our parlor- she on the love seat, looking agitated and angry, and he on a side chair across the room. Everything about Jeremiah (not his real name) communicates frustration and impatience. Eleven months ago, having completed a series of premarital discussions with one of the best counselors in the country, they married.
Mercy (not her real name) has issues: "He will not plan our life with me. All decisions, great and small, are made by him. Then he may or may not inform me about where we will live next year, or even where he is going for the evening." His complaint: "She does not submit- married life is miserable. And then she rejects the gifts I know will be good for her!"
This could be a marriage in your town- a he-won't-communicate/she's-so-cold scenario. But this is no scenario, these are people we know and love. Here in our parlor sit Cameroonian Christians who are on the brink of divorce, and woven in and around are assumptions and cultural layers and traditions that are far from simple to sort out.
Listen to some of their comments, and consider how you would advise.
* He says: "After all, I did pay for her." Getting married here is an expensive endeavor. Some men are delayed for years as they gather the money, the oil, the rice, the cloth, and the cattle which may constitute the dowry. Then there are all the expenses of the wedding itself, and setting up the new household. All cultural indications are that after he has paid, she is his.
Some of my seminary students were discussing this dowry problem in class one day. "If my daughter marries in Cameroon, I will not ask for a bride price," I said. Puzzled, one student remarked, "But please, sir, then you would be giving away free property." Most of the class agreed. Though not usually stated so openly, the assumption permeates most marriages. The rights are his: he paid. And she would not dare to leave- how could her parents repay all that was given for her?
Here is another example of this assumption that she is property. If the husband dies, in most tribes the same brother-in-law who inherits the property of the deceased, also inherits another wife: the widow. She is not free to marry another, and at the very least she stays with her in-laws. If she does manage to leave, her parents will have to pay back the bride price from years past.
* She says: "We didn't even know each other very well." Though it took several years for them to negotiate the bride price, and satisfy all the cultural requirements for visits back and forth between the two families, it seems the two of them never actually talked very much to each other!
One day, I interrupted an animated before-class discussion. I had heard my name, but silence prevailed when I opened the class door. Reluctantly, they explained they were amazed that Linda (my wife of 16 years) and I are often seen talking and laughing together, even sitting together at public functions and discussing afterwards, sharing ideas and impressions. "Sir, we admire that and want it for ourselves. But how do we get there?"
Though marriage for love is becoming more common, it is still often the case that some young people (especially girls) get married under pressure from parents and others. One such young woman was shocked to be presented with a man she had never met and did not care for. But money and gifts had already been exchanged. Bravely, she objected and stated she could not marry the man. His family demanded the return of the bride price. But to complicate things further, her father soon died without repayment. No one else will marry one who is pledged to another by her family. Should she work for several years to pay the rejected man's family? Will either family ever forgive her for the public shame she has brought upon them? Most young people cannot face these troubles, and simply proceed with the arranged marriage, hoping that love will follow. But for these folks, moving ahead toward a companionable and joyful marriage is a monumental and discouraging task.
* He says: "But what about 'Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord' ? (ESV). If I talk things over with her, she'll be leading me."
Jeremiah, our uncomfortable young husband in the first paragraph, uses this text to explain that he is responsible to make sure that Mercy submits. His dedication to Scripture is less apparent as we move on through the text to "Husbands, love your wives…" He says, "I may shape my wife the way I believe is best. If she is the yam, I am the knife." He explains his imagery, which sounds threatening to us, by saying that since she belongs to him and should submit to him, none of his decisions for her and for their family should be questioned. This extends to the smallest detail, in Jeremiah's mind. If he decides that meat is what will make Mercy happiest for her birthday dinner, it is rank disrespect if she expresses a preference for eggs.
How can we move forward, both in this specific counseling situation, and in this culture? Bold proclamations of the "right" way to do marriage are met with a quick dismissal. "That's the American way." It seems best to continue on the path we committed ourselves to when we married, and then again when we promised to faithfully proclaim God's word in Cameroon.
" Teach leaders in each culture to apply Scripture faithfully in all life situations. Foundational is the knowledge that Scripture trumps tradition. Not easy to apply anywhere in the world, but foundational nonetheless.
" Teach directly about marriage, and about scriptural marriage principles. Use expository preaching to proclaim the truth about the passages which are so prone to misuse.
" Continue to enjoy our own relationship in this missionary fishbowl, which is ideal for showing joy and companionship even in the midst of difficulty.
" Be sincere about whether we are the best people to disciple people cross-culturally, when it concerns biblical marriage values. We can teach the Bible and biblical principles, but there are cultural issues that must be addressed from within the culture. Our most effective place may be to help teach godly church leaders, who can prepare hearts for reception of the truth of Scripture, and make insightful and relevant application.
Dr. K. Philemon Yong
Cameroon Baptist Theological Seminary
P. O. Box 44, Ndu
North West Province, Cameroon
W. Africa
(237) 793 7826
A young couple sits uncomfortably in our parlor- she on the love seat, looking agitated and angry, and he on a side chair across the room. Everything about Jeremiah (not his real name) communicates frustration and impatience. Eleven months ago, having completed a series of premarital discussions with one of the best counselors in the country, they married.
Mercy (not her real name) has issues: "He will not plan our life with me. All decisions, great and small, are made by him. Then he may or may not inform me about where we will live next year, or even where he is going for the evening." His complaint: "She does not submit- married life is miserable. And then she rejects the gifts I know will be good for her!"
This could be a marriage in your town- a he-won't-communicate/she's-so-cold scenario. But this is no scenario, these are people we know and love. Here in our parlor sit Cameroonian Christians who are on the brink of divorce, and woven in and around are assumptions and cultural layers and traditions that are far from simple to sort out.
Listen to some of their comments, and consider how you would advise.
* He says: "After all, I did pay for her." Getting married here is an expensive endeavor. Some men are delayed for years as they gather the money, the oil, the rice, the cloth, and the cattle which may constitute the dowry. Then there are all the expenses of the wedding itself, and setting up the new household. All cultural indications are that after he has paid, she is his.
Some of my seminary students were discussing this dowry problem in class one day. "If my daughter marries in Cameroon, I will not ask for a bride price," I said. Puzzled, one student remarked, "But please, sir, then you would be giving away free property." Most of the class agreed. Though not usually stated so openly, the assumption permeates most marriages. The rights are his: he paid. And she would not dare to leave- how could her parents repay all that was given for her?
Here is another example of this assumption that she is property. If the husband dies, in most tribes the same brother-in-law who inherits the property of the deceased, also inherits another wife: the widow. She is not free to marry another, and at the very least she stays with her in-laws. If she does manage to leave, her parents will have to pay back the bride price from years past.
* She says: "We didn't even know each other very well." Though it took several years for them to negotiate the bride price, and satisfy all the cultural requirements for visits back and forth between the two families, it seems the two of them never actually talked very much to each other!
One day, I interrupted an animated before-class discussion. I had heard my name, but silence prevailed when I opened the class door. Reluctantly, they explained they were amazed that Linda (my wife of 16 years) and I are often seen talking and laughing together, even sitting together at public functions and discussing afterwards, sharing ideas and impressions. "Sir, we admire that and want it for ourselves. But how do we get there?"
Though marriage for love is becoming more common, it is still often the case that some young people (especially girls) get married under pressure from parents and others. One such young woman was shocked to be presented with a man she had never met and did not care for. But money and gifts had already been exchanged. Bravely, she objected and stated she could not marry the man. His family demanded the return of the bride price. But to complicate things further, her father soon died without repayment. No one else will marry one who is pledged to another by her family. Should she work for several years to pay the rejected man's family? Will either family ever forgive her for the public shame she has brought upon them? Most young people cannot face these troubles, and simply proceed with the arranged marriage, hoping that love will follow. But for these folks, moving ahead toward a companionable and joyful marriage is a monumental and discouraging task.
* He says: "But what about 'Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord' ? (ESV). If I talk things over with her, she'll be leading me."
Jeremiah, our uncomfortable young husband in the first paragraph, uses this text to explain that he is responsible to make sure that Mercy submits. His dedication to Scripture is less apparent as we move on through the text to "Husbands, love your wives…" He says, "I may shape my wife the way I believe is best. If she is the yam, I am the knife." He explains his imagery, which sounds threatening to us, by saying that since she belongs to him and should submit to him, none of his decisions for her and for their family should be questioned. This extends to the smallest detail, in Jeremiah's mind. If he decides that meat is what will make Mercy happiest for her birthday dinner, it is rank disrespect if she expresses a preference for eggs.
How can we move forward, both in this specific counseling situation, and in this culture? Bold proclamations of the "right" way to do marriage are met with a quick dismissal. "That's the American way." It seems best to continue on the path we committed ourselves to when we married, and then again when we promised to faithfully proclaim God's word in Cameroon.
" Teach leaders in each culture to apply Scripture faithfully in all life situations. Foundational is the knowledge that Scripture trumps tradition. Not easy to apply anywhere in the world, but foundational nonetheless.
" Teach directly about marriage, and about scriptural marriage principles. Use expository preaching to proclaim the truth about the passages which are so prone to misuse.
" Continue to enjoy our own relationship in this missionary fishbowl, which is ideal for showing joy and companionship even in the midst of difficulty.
" Be sincere about whether we are the best people to disciple people cross-culturally, when it concerns biblical marriage values. We can teach the Bible and biblical principles, but there are cultural issues that must be addressed from within the culture. Our most effective place may be to help teach godly church leaders, who can prepare hearts for reception of the truth of Scripture, and make insightful and relevant application.
Dr. K. Philemon Yong
Cameroon Baptist Theological Seminary
P. O. Box 44, Ndu
North West Province, Cameroon
W. Africa
(237) 793 7826
posted by Yong Family at 1:13 PM
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